Friday, August 30, 2013

A very hard newsletter message from GothSocks Yarn. Please read.

Hi GothSockers. This newsletter is very hard to write. It's been almost 2 years in the making and I feel like

I finally need to let you all into my world of the last few years.

Most of you know by now, that I went through a very nasty divorce that was finalized just last month. The

experience of it and all that a messy divorce entails and why the business has gone a bit haywire in the

process. Bear with me please. This is the hardest things I've ever had to write but I feel like you all

deserve to know what the world of GothSocks has been like and why we have been clawing our way back to

"normal" ever since.

In April of 2011, I sat down with my now ex, and told him that I wanted to seperate. This was after a 20 year

marriage with 4 children, one of which, is severly autistic. This was the bravest moment of my life up until

that point. Over the next 6 months, my ex had to live in the same house with me and the kids, until he could

afford to go out on his own. Saying that this 6 month period was hell, is an understatement. After finally

moving out, I managed to retain a divorce lawyer and start fighting for my rights. This is no small thing to

do. When you have been dependant on another person financially for so long, only have a HS education and have

spent your adult life, raising your children...it's scary. In February of 2012, I was having panic attacks

and nightmares. A week before Madrona 2012, I started on antidepressants. About 3 weeks later my world

changed forever.

On the night of Feb 28th, 2012 I was medicated to the point that I have no memory of these happenings. I took

all my prescription medications and over dosed. I collapsed in my bedroom for over 10 hours on my left arm.

When I was found, my pulse was at 30 beats a minute and when they pulled me out of the room, my heart

stopped.

I was dead for 10 minutes.

I have no memory of it at all and only have vague memories of being awake in the hospital days later. I

developed multiple DVT's (blood clots) that spanned from my collar bone to almost my wrist. THe pain was

unimaginable. I was released from the hospital mistakenly (and at no fault of mine) several days later, from

ICU and the hospital ward, as a regular patient with the most intense pain pill regiment (my left arm was

swollen about twice normal size and I couldn't use it at all) and now with a plethora of new blood thinners,

antidepressants and several more anti-anxiety drugs than I had previously.

3 days later, at home alone, and in more pain than what I can describe, I took all of my pills again. This

time though, I realized what I had just done, and before I became incapacitated and panic fully set in, I

reached out and called a friend. I was rushed to the ER and I remember the exact moment of clarity. I was

strapped to a bed with my hands at my sides, a tube down my throat and an ICU nurse sitting on my chest. A

tear rolled down my face as I felt the charcoal flush back down my stomach and up around my face again as

they pumped my stomach. She looked me right in the eye and said , " I'm so sorry sweetie. I know it hurts. I

am saving your life. You are going to be okay." I just cried and cried as more and more charcoal rushed

around my face.

2 days later I had the tube removed. I had been motionless in the bed the whole time. My blood levels were so

thin that I was twice the level of a hemopheliac and had a very real possibility of bleeding out internally

just from moving. I didn't fight. I had done this. I had to pay the price. I didn't fight or argue. She told

me later that I was the calmest ICU patient she had ever had. I knew what I had done was a cry for help. They

were there to help. I was not going to fight that at all. I WANTED HELP. I was broken and didn't know how to

fix me.

I spent a week in the psyche ward and this time I learned how to make healthier choices in how to look at the

world and relate.

I have fought that battle every single day since I was released from the hospital on April 2, 2012.

I have multiple health issues that have arisen because of my suicide attempts. My left arm is permanently

injured. I need help lifting and moving things. I am back on anti-depressants but the RIGHT ones for me and

with counseling and doctor monitoring.

Fighting back from death, trying to regain the trust of the people you love, let alone WORLD, is no easy

thing. In the process I met the most amazing man of my life. With his and my daughter's help we are trying to

blaze a path through this life and make things work. Running a home business is a hard task on good days, we

have multiple things working against us. Each day we try to move forward and do better. Some days it's hard

to just get out of bed and coaxing still needs to happen.

Through years of therapy and finally the realization that it's not ALL my fault, I have a clinical diagnosis

of depression. I have probably been clinically depressed since the age of 6. I am just now learning that the

voice in my head, that voice we all have, speaks to me in the most negative way possible and I have to make

the conscious effort to think in a healthy way.

I know that this is all personal and you want your yarn and that even with all these drawbacks, you have paid

for a product and we are desperately working towards fulfilling all your orders.

Being broken costs a lot of money. Having shop updates has been a harsh reality of what we have to do to pay

for water, power, food, and more supplies to try and make ends meet so we (and our very large family) can

survive. I have never ever EVER in 5 years of business not either refunded or supplied the yarn that was

bought. I realize that sometimes it takes a while for us. I hope that maybe if you knew what was happening in

our lives, you might understand why it is taking us so long to get everything fixed.

Life is a struggle and we are working very hard to lessen that. We have all the May yarn done and most of you

have recieved them, if you haven't, you will be in the next few days.

Orders that have not been fulfilled in the last 3 weeks are all getting ready to ship and will be out to you

soon.

I have hesitated to send out a letter like this because, this is so very personal and hard to live through

and I have tried as hard as I can to keep it out of the business, but as you already know, that just didn't

happen at all did it? LOL

So, I am asking from the bottom of my heart, please be patient and understanding for just a little longer. We

almost have everything fixed and on it's way out.

I hate excuses and I hate having people upset. I hope you can understand why I have been hesitant to tell you

what was happening.

Thank you all for all your support and love through all of this. It's been hard. This is just a tidbit of

information to encompass a very stressful last few years.

Thank you. Your GothSock Diva

Stephanie Gibson

7 comments:

Susan Dougill said...

I am so sorry you have had to go through so much! Thank you for sharing with us I know it must of been very difficult. I hope things get easier for you.

Holly in CT said...

So sorry to hear of all your troubles and happy to know you are back on the road to happiness! please don't stress, knitters are kind and generous people and will understand.

helenkosings said...

Sending beautiful warm, healing, calming, happy thoughts to you. Since I am on a 2 year yarn diet, I have not bought any of your yarn. But I am a fan!!! Thank you for sharing your difficulties with us - I hope it has made the burdens so much lighter!

Mari Gayle said...

I wish I could reach out and hug you, and I wish it would make things better for you!!! I have never gone through what you have-just mild depression with a very supportive husband. You do not owe me any yarn or anything, but I want you to know that I support you and want you to take care of you! I am an indie dyer myself, and I know that it is a lot of work without having any other issues to deal with! Lots of love!!


Hugs,
MariGayle

Mari Gayle said...

One more comment: Knit on!!! Remember your roots. Why you began this journey. Let the knitting heal you! (now for 39686978923 more tries at showing blogger I'm not a computer...!)

Jay Schwartz said...

I came across your post and blog while searching for my own blog (the wooly yarn - having nothing to do with actual yarn). Anyway, I read your post and wanted to remark how brave you are for being honest enough to share your story with you clients and followers. Sending you my very best wishes for healing, good health, good karma, as well as happiness and harmony. You sound like you're on a 'good road' now in life - hoping it always rises up to meet you and keep you safe from harm. - Jay

Sheri from Oregon said...

tedkameGood health and happiness from one who understands only too well. I suffered from severe depression ...sometimes suicidal... which I never gave into because I had 7 children in a 10 year period. I was unable to take anti depressants as I was allergic to them. After 13 years of marriage I too got divorced.
I can now manage my depression without medication (except when I lost my brother and son within a period of 7 weeks.)
So you see, there is light at the end of the tunnel though sometimes it's hard to see, but it IS there, trust me. Sometimes we need to focus only on the light and try to remember only things positive. So Sometimes it is so extremely difficult but it is the key.
"I PITIED MYSELF FOR HAVING NO SHOES UNTIL I MET A MAN WHO HAD NO FEET."
This has been my manta for many years. I hope it helps you too.
You are in my daily prayers.
Shari from Oregon